


Harley Quinn and the Fantabulous Seduction of one Miss Dinah Lance (As Narrated by Dr Harleen Quinzel, PhD)

by K_Popsicle



Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: Assassination Attempt(s), Costume Parties & Masquerades, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Fun, Getting Together, Handcuffed Together, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Kissing, Loyalty, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Canon, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25527250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_Popsicle/pseuds/K_Popsicle
Summary: Harley Quinn learns Dinah Lance has a price on her head, then takes a selfie.
Relationships: Dinah Lance/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56
Collections: Battleship 2020, Battleship 2020 - Yellow Team





	Harley Quinn and the Fantabulous Seduction of one Miss Dinah Lance (As Narrated by Dr Harleen Quinzel, PhD)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatsparrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsparrow/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I know nothing about the street numbering of New York streets and have therefore completely made them up.

     _Oh hey you're here, great. I got a story to tell ya, and it has everything, love, romance, death- all the best things. I swear! So anyway there’s this broad, and she is all class. Beautiful blonde hair, make-up to die for, and her sense of fashion- well let’s just say: she always gets a second look._

Harley steps into Old Benny’s Burgers on 3rd and 14th in dusty purple platform sneakers, 3/4 length tights- one leg violet the other fuchsia, a high waisted diamante fringe skirt, and a lime green valour crop top, and at her side in gold anklet boots, a dark blue ankle length dress with gold trim-

     _No wait. I’m getting ahead of myself. We gotta start at the beginning._

As a baby Harley was-

     _No. We did that in the movie. I need to start somewhere else- somewhere interesting! Like ‘Keith’s’._

‘Keith’s’ is a small hovel in the wall type shop with barred windows, smoke stained roofs, blood stained floors, and any number of other bodily fluids everywhere else. Harley doesn’t really notice as she steps one purple sneaker in front of the other and she bounces towards the counter.

     _‘Keith’s’ isn’t actually run by Keith. Keith was tricked into eating an exploding cake by the Riddler three years before when he refused the little nerd service. He was mournfully replaced by his much happier, much more attractive brother, Tony._

“Hey Tony!” Harley greets splaying herself across the sticky countertop and smiling brightly with her chin in her hand.

Tony has seen the rough end of a hard life, tattoos, gold teeth, with all the signs of early heart failure, and a pony tail of thin greasy hair pulled together from the few remaining hairs still on the lower half of his head. “My names Nick,” Tony grumbles back very much like he says it frequently and is, just as frequently, ignored. Like right now.

Harley slaps the counter with a beaming smile and says: “Show me what you got, Tony!”

     _Studies have proven that positive reinforcement is more advantageous to development than negative. So I try my best to set an example._

“Quinn,” he sneers, “didn’t you go to jail?”

“Not recently?” she replies a pout forming on her bright red lips. “Show me what you got,” she orders, “or I’ll look myself.”

     _And that, my friends, is called a ‘threat’._

Tony turns his attention from the little pink phone in his hands, reaches under the counter and pulls up two pieces that make Harley squeal in happiness and forgive his rude behaviour.

The first is a battering ram, perfect for every locked door. The second is a miniature gold single shooter. Harley cooed over them both and waffles on which she’d rather have. The battering ram is _perfect_ and ready for personalisation- she has a spray can of red paint that is just waiting to make it special, but the gun is absolute destiny.

     _I was in love. … again. Hopefully it would go better this time._

“I gotta have the shooter,” she pleads big round eyes blinking up at Tony, “how much you asking?”

Tony doesn’t answer, fixated on his little phone screen, and just as she’s about to get feisty he whistles in that specific way that means he’s seen a woman and he’s oh so ready to objectify her. Feeling ignored, and bored, Harley leans across the counter to get an eyeful of his screen. She has time to see slinky gold clothes and soft soft brown skin before he yanks the phone out of her sight and turns a ruddy angry colour that suggests he needs a lower cholesterol diet and some yoga introduced to his life stat.

“Get off the counter!” he shouts and she bats her sparkly mascara at him again but his grumpy face doesn’t show even the barest hint of calming.

“What’cha looking at?” she sings up at him, and watches the wrinkles between his eyebrows scrunch up into sweaty, fleshy, sand dunes.

“Mind your own business or get out,” he shouts impolitely.

     _Of course I am a woman of patience and virtue so this kind of behaviour would never bother me._

Harley smiles sunnily, nimbly twists herself up onto the counter, grabs the back of his Tony’s head and slams the great bit stupid thing into the gritty sticky surface before she presses a miniature gun right up against his pterion.

     _Which is the soft bit of your skull- stay in school kids!_

“Phone!” she demands, and he curses, and tries to push her off so she smacks the back of his head and braces her knee across his shoulders before she reminds him that, “That’s not a dick you feel right there. It’s a gun.”

“You think I’d put a loaded gun in front of the Joker’s girl?” he pushes up and Harley see’s the confusion so very helpfully keeps the miniature gun pressing up against his pterion, and uses her other hand to shift the tiny gold single shooter into his line of sight. Below her Tony goes still.

“One! I am not Mr J’s girl anymore. And two, a girl like me, we always have a little- _something_ for emergencies. You just so happen to have little Audrey’s golden twin.” Harley taps the little silver single shooter against his perfectly still head. “Now,” she gets back on track, “your phone,” and it isn’t a question, and this time Tony isn’t dumb enough to treat it like one. He fumbles the phone up onto the counter and unlocks it. And on that screen in a paparazzi style photograph that makes her shine like a rising sun is Dinah Lance in all her beautiful golden glory frowning over her stylish sunglasses directly at the photographer.

     _Siiiiigh._

Harley sighs dreamily at the photo and tries to swipe right. It closes the image, which is disappointing, but shows her something a lot more interesting. She reads quickly, planting her elbow in Tony’s ear to get comfortable.

“Hey Tony,” she starts feeling hurt.

“Yes Ms Quin,” he replies with the correct amount of respect.

“Why did nobody tell me there was a hitman app in Gotham city?” Which is, frankly, rude, and she’s prepared to complain once she figures out who to complain to. “And why,” she asks more curious still, “is the Black Canary only worth $75,000?”

     _That’s right, my best friend, the most beautiful woman to have ever lived, aside from yours truly, was a wanted fugitive. Well, she was wanted, just not by the police so not really a fugitive. More a target._

     _Me and Tony talked about it some more, and in return for his phone and the little golden single shooter of my dreams (I called her Audrey 2) he let me not shot him. I think I got the better end of the deal, but don’t tell Tony that._

Harley plants a big wet kiss on Audrey 2 as she walks out of Keith’s before tucking it into her pocket.

     _Anyway I decided after all that it wasn’t really my problem. Dinah, she can look after herself, okay?_

It goes like this:

  1. Harley looks at her phone while she chews gum angrily; 
  2. Harley practices axe throwing in her living room with an old washing machine carcass her phone duck taped to the wall behind it; 
  3. Harley sprawls upside-down on her lounge, phone on her chest and watching baby ducks swim in circles; 
  4. Harley plays dodgem cars at the carnival her phone tucked into her bar; 
  5. Harley sits in a bath with more bubbles than water flipping through the photos of Dinah before slipping and dropping the phone in the tub; 
  6. Harley blow dries the phone while doing handstands; 
  7. Harley orders a kebab with the works at a kebab stand in downtown and takes a selfie with the vendor; 
  8. Harley carefully puts the phone on the empty bathroom floor and backs away from it, she shuts the door behind her, scrunches her face up, then dives back in to grab her phone; 
  9. Harley starts a text conversation that goes like this:

_**Harley:** Heard about the price on your head! Good luck kiddo!_  
_**Dinah:** Who is this?_  
_**Harley:** Me!_  
_**Dinah:** Who is this?_
  10. Harley gives a huff and sends a selfie of herself doing a peace sign with Bruce hovering over her shoulder tongue lolling out;
  11. Bruce gets a hold of her phone and skedaddles.



     _Minor problem, but only if I was going to do something about the whole ‘hitman’ thing. Which I wasn’t._

Harley arrives at the masquerade ball wearing a-

     _Legitimately procured!_

-holo spy coat, a pair of earphones around her neck-

     _Less legitimately acquired._

-and big rose-coloured glasses-

     _To hide yours truly from prying eyes._

-and the crowd subtly shifts away from her trying not to take a second look. Some are more successful than others but Harley drifts past them in a blissful bubble of intentional ignorance picking up snacks and picking pockets as she goes. One man dressed like a pirate catches her wrist as she withdraws it with his wallet and they stare at each other, her with a frown, him with a dawning realisation.

“What?” she demands boldfaced, and very slowly he releases her wrist and ignoring his wallet turns back to his friends without a word. Pleased Harley takes a wad of cash out, slips it into her bra, and sets the wallet on the next passing tray. Then she reaches her destination.

Her destination is an inconspicuous woman in a dark blue and gold medieval costume that’s all shiny silk. Her destination is also trying to disappear into the crowd. Harley ducks down under a mummy’s arm, around a ballerina, and side-steps batman- or someone dressed as batman- she can’t actually be sure and since he’s not arresting her she doesn’t really care.

When she cuts Dinah off the other woman stops and looks kind of resigned.

“It’s me!” Harley whispers loudly and raises her glasses so Dinah can see her face in all its glory. The expression in Dinah’s face doesn’t change at all.

“How did you get my number?” she asks instead, and Harley would be offended if she wasn’t so happy to see her.

“After Romey ate a grenade, which I wish we’d recorded because I would watch that on loop, I _may_ have raided his files for any juicy gossip. And those mini heads. Though Bruce ate them months ago- I’m kidding, though you should see what the little brat and I did to the statue of Romey-“ Harley laughs at the memory smile bright, “ _That_ we recorded,” she raises her hand to think then remembers, “it’s on YouTube, you should look it up.”

“Why are you here?” Dinah asks, aware of the people around them moving away, creating a very conspicuous empty space on the party floor.

“I thought you might want to know what’s going on,” Harley rambles.

“Then why didn’t you answer my texts?”

Harley twirls a strand of hair and bites her lip awkwardly, “Bruce ate the phone- and that’s true!” she assures. “And then I had to take him to the vet, and it was crazy, but he’s fine. Kitten’s got a stomach of steel.”

Dinah blinks like she’s processed too much information in too short a time and Harley beams at her. Just happy to see her again.

“Anyway!” Harley says, then bounces forward and slaps a handcuff cuff around Dinah’s left hand, “You’re coming with me, kid.” Dinah in her dark blue medieval dress with highly fetching gold accents and jewellery looks ready to murder her. Harley laughs a little awkwardly and waves with the hand attached to the other end of the cuffs.

     _So that was me, not doing anything. What can I say? I’m a girl of action. Now back to the good parts._

“You’re pretty too,” Dinah replies so softly Harley almost can’t hear it. But the alley outside is silent, and the hall is silent, and Harley’s heart is pounding but she can still hear every word.

“So are you-“ and then Dinah kisses her.

     _What da you mean we’re not up to that bit yet? … F I N E. But you’re missing out._

“It’s me!” Harley whispers loudly and raises her glasses so Dinah can see her face in all its glory. The expression in Dinah’s face doesn’t change-

     _What do you think this is? We did that already. We were- more like here._

There’s a cut on Dinah’s eyebrow, Harley has a busted knuckle on her free hand and a new hat, they’re still handcuffed and they both have great big soup ladles clutched like weapons as they stand back to back facing a circle of hitmen in all their various charity ball costumes.

Dinah’s grinning, and Harley’s got a jelly doughnut in her mouth and is frowning at the fox and nurse standing opposite her.

     _Eh close enough. And that doughnut was amazing. Highly recommend it, Little Ming’s on 15th and 10th._

Harley and Dinah run through a small Asian desert store, they’re covered in confetti and followed by a crowd of costumed thugs. Harley stops to select a single doughnut, Dinah is pulled to a stop by the cuff on her wrist, and hauls Harley back into action.

     _And if you don’t like jelly they fill’em with Nutella too. Sometimes I buy one of each and take a bite at a time._

A man dressed like the grim reaper pulls out a large machete as he approaches from Harley’s left, “I need to borrow your voice thing,” she tells Dinah pushing against her back to get away from the machete because wow that was big. Harley throws her ladle at the thug and it bounces of his head harmlessly.

“What?” Dinah finishes knocking the nearest goon aside and looks over her shoulder to see the man closing in on Harley. She hands her the soup ladle she’s not using and high kicks a woman dressed like a ninja across the industrial kitchen bench. More assassins close in and Dinah takes a fortifying breath, “You need to cover your ears.”

Harley pushes her hoodie back and pulls the earphones up, activating the noise cancelling feature before she flips Dinah and herself around on the spot so they can face off each other’s enemies. Harley hits the nearest on the head with the scoop of the ladle then lands a quick jab to the next's nose, it does an amazing job of breaking. But it doesn’t matter because Dinah _screams_ and the room shakes, and the idiots who came after her best friend hit the ground in agony.

The sound reverberates around the kitchen bouncing off steel and cracking tiles until Dinah runs out of breath.

     _That, ladies, is what you call an aural lesson. Not to be mistaken for the more fun but similarly sounding kind of lesson which we will not be coving in today’s lesson._

“I love those pipes,” Harley admires with a sigh as Dinah grabs her hand and drags her out of the kitchen. Harley manages to grab the fire hydrant on their way out and clings to it like a much-loved teddy bear with her left arm.

“What’s happening Harley?” Dinah demands when they round a corner into a dinky alley that smells more like cabbages than death and then find a wedged open back door that they latch behind them. Harley takes the opportunity to sit on the floor and Dinah sits beside her, shoulder to shoulder. The handcuff makes it a bit hard to sit any further away.

Harley beams at her friend and says, “I don’t know. I went to Tony’s-“

“Tony at Lock and Chain?” Dinah asks her pretty dress getting messed up on the dirty floor and Harley wants to move them so they can go somewhere cleaner, nicer, the kind of place Dinah should be.

She’s so distracted she says, “Yes,” at first then recoils, “no. What? Tony at Lock and Chain once lectured me- for three whole minutes- on the sins of vaccinating kids for preventable diseases so I broke his kneecaps. I wouldn't be caught dead buying from him. I’d just steal what I wanted and piss in his water bottle like any decent human being would.”

Dinah processes that, nods a little, and says, “Fair,” which warms the little cockles of Harley’s heart so she makes a note to do just that when they are done with this whole hit list thing. “So Tony at Keith’s then?” Dinah asks, brushing her hair back and showing Harley the line of her throat.

“Yeah,” Harley agrees distracted, “yeah. Have I told you you have a gorgeous neck?”

     _Like it is stunning, statue worthy. If you want a statue of a neck that is the neck to get a statue of. Though maybe that would be weird._

Dinah’s hand pauses, her eyes jumping to Harley and Harley blinks innocently at her.

“Anyway! He was reading his phone and it came to my attention that there is a substantial price on your head. Enough to draw out Gotham’s aspiring assassins.” Harley beams but Dinah has moved her handcuffed hand to cover the side of her neck, her expression thoughtful, and not at all excited by what Harley has just revealed to her. Harley keeps talking, “And I only thought about taking the job for half an hour before I decided that that’s not how friends behave. Or so I’m told. But I’m not sure if-” Dinah reaches over and covers Harley’s mouth with a soft ring clad hand.

“What’s the plan, Harley?” Dinah asks simply.

Harley, for many reasons the first of which is defiantly not a non-g desire to do it, licks Dinah’s hand and when she’s released says non-nonsense, “I figure, we kill everyone chasing you, and then no-ones chasing you anymore! Problem solved.”

“That’s-“ Dinah searches for words, looking torn, “-a terrible plan.”

     _Which is offensive and hurts. It hurts right in my heart, because my plan was perfect. Easy and simple. The kind of plan that always works no matter the odds- or they have so far which is good enough for me._

“Well it’s the only plan I got,” Harley pouts a bit then wonders what she’d have to say to get Dinah to put her hand over her mouth again. It’s just touching is nice and the feel of Dinah’s skin is like silk on silk and Harley is above all thing a hedonist.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, the sound of running outside the door in the alley, then shouts and gunshots. Neither make a noise until everything outside dies down.

“So why are you here, Harley?” Dinah asks frankly.

Harley scrunches the edge of her holo jacket and goes to make a joke, then decides to be honest instead.

     _So what? I contain multi-tudes and all that junk._

“I ain’t got many friends,” she explains cautiously, “except Bruce and the kid. But they’re dependants. Well the kid, Bruce is free range,” sometimes she’s not even sure where Bruce has been, but he always comes back to her bloody or not, and that’s what true love is, “and you gotta look after your friends.”

“Friends, Harley?” Dinah asks with all seriousness, she’s got blue make up on her eyelids, gold eyeliner, gold on the end of her eyelashes and Harley stares because they’re _so close_ and because Dinah is beautiful. All her friends are beautiful, but Dinah’s got that something else, that something that makes Harley want to _worship_ her.

“Well maybe you don’t like me,” she says quieter than she means, “but that’s just a sign of good judgment and I like that in my friends.”

“Harley, you’re mad as a hatter, but we are friends.” Dinah assures in such a sincere way Harley feels equal parts admiration and embarrassment.

“Geez, you can’t just say that to a girl,” Harley deflects.

“We fought off a gang of child murdering losers together. I’m pretty sure that makes us friends.” Dinah takes and holds Harley’s hand and Harley stares at the connection like it might bite her.

A little breathless she says, “If that’s all friendship is then me and the Bats go way back.”

“Well you’re here aren’t you?” Dinah motions to the derelict hallway they’re squatting in, her big bell sleeves sweeping the space with a touch of absurdity Harley can’t seem to feel. “Not in jail,” Dinah clarifies.

“I’ll have you know my cunning spy techniques are what have kept me out of jail,” Harley protests in her neon pants, holographic top and diamante skirt. “No-one sees me coming.”

Dinah smiles… and it’s cute. It’s adorable. Harley’s so used to seeing her frowning at the world that the smile lights her face up and blows Harley over.

“You’re real pretty,” she says into the close space between them, and Dinah gets that thoughtful look in her eyes again, like she’s picking apart Harley and finding out how she ticks.

“You’re pretty too,” Dinah replies so softly Harley almost can’t hear it. But the alley outside is silent, and the hall is silent, and Harley’s heart is pounding but she can still hear every word.

“So are you-“ and then Dinah kisses her.

     _When I say I did not expect that to happen, I cannot stress enough how much I was more than happy with the surprise. But it Was a Surprise._

By the time Dinah pulls back Harley has one hand clutching around the collar of her dress and the other holding fiercely to the hand handcuffed to her own.

“Do that again,” Harley insists, and Dinah looks amused, her eyes crinkling and does it one more time, a light sweep of her lips across Harley’s own before she pulls back a little. She can’t go far, Harley’s grip won’t let her, but she doesn’t seem to be in a hurry either. “Again,” Harley orders, and Dinah raises an eyebrow at her as if to question the order. Harley pouts, straddles Dinah’s lap, and wiggles closer. “Please?” she looks at Dinah with big big eyes and looks as sad as she can.

“Where’s the key?” Dinah asks instead.

Harley bites her lip cheekily, looks at the roof and pushes her chest towards the other woman, “In with the girls,” she confesses. She waits hopefully but nothing happens, and when she glances to see what the holdup is Dinah is unmoved. “You gotta get them out,” Harley encourages, willing to walk her through it if necessary- though really it should be self-evident.

“Get them our yourself, Harley,” Dinah orders, and Harley pouts harder.

“Awww come on they’re lonely,” she whines.

Dinah snorts, amused but still says, “Your ridiculous and I’m not putting my hand in your bra.”

“Oh,” Harley deflates until Dinah tilts her head up and kisses her again. “Oh?”

“I don’t think fast is a good choice here,” Dinah explains and brushes her thumb along Harley’s cheek. “Which means-“

“Yeah, yeah I got ya,” Harley grumbles, but she feels squishy and gooey on the inside no matter how she sounds. She reaches into her bra, bypasses the wad of cash she’d lifted earlier, and feels around until she finds the small key. She proffers it with pride to the woman who still hasn’t pushed her off her lap, which is a start.

Dinah takes the key and unlocks the cuff around her wrist. Then once free she carefully she unlocks Harley’s cuff and puts the key in her own bra and the handcuffs in Harley’s holo coat’s pocket. Then Dinah puts both her hand's on Harley’s cheeks and pulls her into another kiss. It’s just as sweet, just as exploratory, and Harley melts into it, melts into Dinah.

“You kiss good,” she murmurs kiss drunk when Dinah eases them apart. Dinah smiles softer, and Harley melts some more.

     _If she kept smiling at me like that there’s wasn’t going to be enough left of me to scrape off the floor. But what a way to go._

“You wanna go knock out some assassins?” Dinah asks, and Harley wakes up, bright and alert at the prospect of fun and violence.

“I love you!” she declares as she jumps up, bouncing from toe to toe ready to take on whoever’s out there threatening to take away her smooches.

“That’s not slow!” Dinah grumbles, getting to her feet.

“Can’t stop me,” Harley pokes her tongue out and Dinah rolls her eyes, reaches down to brush her skirt and while she’s not looking Harley says in a hurry, “I do like you though, a lot, and it’s not just ‘cause you’re nice to me.”

Dinah looks up startled and there’s something bordering on sympathy on her face, which is okay, but not ideal.

Harley bounces forward, steals a quick kiss and then bounces out into the alley way shouting, “Right here fellas! If you want her you gotta go through me!”

     _Look, I’m gonna come out and say it- we’re not really here for the fight scenes, right? I mean they’re great, and Dinah can kick Really High, and no-one matches me for smarts, but it isn’t kissing right? So I’ll sum it up for you: We won, it got close for a bit there with the samurai sword and the bazooka but at the end of the day what can a bunch of assassins have against the power of… girlfriends? Well we weren’t there yet, but let me tell you, there was no way we weren’t going to get there._

Harley and Dinah stand in the middle of a racquetball court, a dented racket in each hand, and ten or so unconscious costumed assassins at their feet.

     _No wait there was that one bit._

A man dressed like Frankenstein holds Dinah by the throat, fingers tightening as he backs away from Harley.

“We’ll split,” he promises.

Harley considers him, considers Dinah, considers the offer, then pulls out Audrey 2 and shoots him between the eyes.

“Ain’t nobody threatens my girl,” she says like an action hero in a b-grade movie.

     _I am so badass._

     _But I digress._

Harley and Dinah stand in the middle of a racquetball court, a dented racket in each hand, and ten or so unconscious costumed assassins at their feet.

Harley looks around at the mess they’ve made, shrugs, and throws her racket over her shoulder, “My work here is done!” she declares happily then, “And I’m coming back to your place for the night,” because that’s very important.

Dinah’s lips twist and she bargains, “Coffee.”

Harley takes a breath-

“Decaf,” Dinah continues taking no prisoners.

“Oh come on- Wait coffee? Is that a date? Is that what a normal date is like? Beat up a bunch of guys and then go back to your place for some hot s-“

“At a diner,” Dinah interrupts. Harley deflates noticeably.

“Kisses?” She peaks up hopefully, and Dinah looks charmed despite herself and she reaches over and presses another kiss to Harleys eager lips.

“We can do that,” Dinah agrees.

Harley brightens, flings her arms around Dinah and kisses her properly. Dinah doesn’t seem too concerned, angling the kiss into something gentle and sweet again until Harley’s goes all soft and pliant in her arms and wonders why they’d ever go anywhere again when they can just kiss all day where they are?

“Shall we?” Dinah asks at last a little flushed and breathless herself.

“Yeah,” Harley breathes and with a hop skip leads the way out.

     _We eventually made it to Old Benny’s Burgers on 3rd and 14th, even if it did take a while. And although I’m not one to gloat, I did eventually get to see her apartment and get those aural lessons I was talking about- no wait the other kind. The fun kind. But it took a while, which in the end, was okay by me. Good things are worth doing right- if you get my meaning._


End file.
